How can I expect people to work with me when I’m fat?

I was asked this question recently. And I hate the fact that as a professional, I am still being judged first and foremost, based on how I look.

I grew up in a world based on looks being the foundation of a person's worth. I have spent over 2 decades grappling with the effect this has had on me, my relationships, the work I do, how I show up in the world, how I define my value, how I interact with the people around me.

I preferred to read books as a kid and will happily spend an entire weekend engrossed in a great novel. This made me 'lazy'.

The one sport I loved and was good at, I couldn't do because of chronic ear infections. I didn't like other sports so again, 'lazy'...

I loved school and found it easy, so I excelled at it and was praised for it. I was the smart (but fat) kid.

There were numerous diets, countless competitions, people commenting on how I looked, obsessive weigh ins.

As an adult, I finally realized that I didn't want to spend my life obsessed with how the number on a scale changed. But that didn't change the fact that I was fat and people commented on it constantly. And anytime this upset me, I was told: but they mean well!

I have had professionals in my field tell me that I must not be good at my job since I'm fat (without even talking to me). I've had numerous tests done but because they all are normal, I'm just told to eat less and exercise more (or alternately given the chance to try the newest dieting pill, which, don't get me started on that and the havoc that wreaks on the system).

People's perception of me based on my weight has influenced more of my life than I care to admit. And I don't often talk about it because it is such a fraught topic. The mental and emotional damage I have endured over the years is not something I talk about easily. Even sitting down to write this out has taken a massive toll on me.

Here's why I'm good at what I do...

I'm good at what I do. Not because I look a certain a way (or don't) but because I realize that how a person looks has little bearing on the true state of their health. We have been conditioned over decades to believe that the less space a person takes up, the healthier they are. And we have been conditioned to judge each other and assign worth to ourselves and others based on how big a number is on our clothing or a scale.

I am not good at my job despite the fact that I look the way that I do.

I am good at my job. Period.

I am exceptional at helping people know how their body works, where it's struggling, what they can do to help their body function efficiently and how they can bring more joy into their lives.

I am excellent at seeing pieces that conventional medicine misses.

The people who work with me reach their goals and gain a better understanding of themselves and generally experience more peace and joy in their lives as a result of working with me.

Me being fat or skinny or somewhere in between has no bearing on how well I can help others reach their goals.

I know this is a hard concept for a lot of people because we have been conditioned to believe that normal or small sized bodies are the healthy ideal. But this standard for judging a person's health is based on a single aspect: how a person looks TO ME.

Visually judging a person's body and determining their overall health is so wrong on so many levels. I have no idea how their neurons fire by looking at a person. I have no idea how their sleep is. I have no idea how their blood pressure is, how well their hormones are cycling, what pains they have, what injuries they've sustained over the years, how they experience joy, if they find satisfaction in their job or their home life.

Assuming a person's health based solely on how they appear to me is the epitome of dangerous.

So, why am I fat if I'm so good at what I do?
Well, just like you, I'm a work in progress. Just like you, I'm discovering new things everyday that I didn't know, and I'm taking the opportunity daily to improve my health.

Our work is never done. And how we appear on the outside does not always accurately reflect what's going on on the inside.

As much as it infuriates me, people will probably always judge me based on how I look. I refuse to do that to others. I am working on making peace with the fact that those closest to me, will always reference me and my worth based on my size. The depth of the rage that brings up is immeasurable.

I want better for us. I want my nieces to grow up in a world where their worth isn't defined by how big or small they are. Where their weight or their looks aren't referenced as a point of praise or failing with every greeting they get from loved ones and strangers.

I want the people around me to know that I see them, that they matter to me and are important no matter their size, no matter the state of their health. They're here for a purpose and I am honored to be part of it.

I am fat.
I work in healthcare.
I am superb at what I do.

Those 3 facts can and do coexist, regardless of your opinion.

This isn't a piece I ever thought I'd write. But recent conversations have forced the topic to the forefront. I know this whole thing is confronting. Even writing it has challenged a multitude of beliefs I still grapple with. If this has been confronting for you to read, I'd ask you to look at yourself with compassion. To view others from a lens of grace. To not jump in immediately with how to fix another person (especially when they haven't asked). And to consider, just for a moment, that maybe what we've been conditioned to believe may not be the truth. And now, we get to do something about it.